It's all in my head...

News flash:  Sometimes your mind has a mind of its own.

Blogging is going to my attempt to show my mind who is boss around here.  Join me in a flashback:

I'm young, little even, and I'm in the bathroom sitting on the floor with the door closed.  In my arms is the cookie jar.  No joke.  I don't remember what proceeded that flash of memory.  I don't remember deciding I wanted cookies, that I in fact wanted the whole jar of cookies, how I devised a plan to jump on the counter, grab the jar, run to the bathroom - all in one stealthy swoop.  No clue.  But I can see myself sitting with the cookie jar wrapped in my arms.  It's a flash.  A glimpse. 

A glimpse of who I am, who I apparently have always been, and who I no longer want to be.  I need new glimpses. 

That cookie jar evolved over time into 224lbs.  That was the amount of weight I carried on my body by the time I was 24 years old.  Yes, another sad story about a lonely, out-of-control fat girl. 

Somehow, not long after I turned 31, I managed to lose the weight (details to come later).  So now I'm this skinny girl.  A skinny girl with the fat girl trapped inside.  No surprise, that fat girl inside of me is a heavy weight to bear.

The glimpse of that young, little (not yet overweight) me, huddled in the bathroom, clutching the cookie jar is going to be my salvation.  I'm not sure how; I just feel it.  It is a glimpse of a pure me.  I need to embrace her and find out what went wrong.  I need to catch a glimpse of who I was then, before, well before all of it.  So that I can start catching glimpses of who I am now, without the weight, without the cookie jar, without...or maybe a glimpse of who am with hope. 

This journey is just beginning: Mind, you better get on board.